A Third Pause in Lent - Anxiety vs ... What?

Welcome to a third Pause in Lent! The participants are listed on the sidebar to your left, and it's great to see what people are doing and thinking as Lent continues. You'll have to put up with the distraction of my garden flowers again while I do my 'Pause' - I've decided to make these Sunday posts a weekly record of how things are coming on in the garden... Sunny morning vs cloudy afternoon, as you see!

And the title of my post is Anxiety vs... something.

In listening to God, and reading the various books and blogs put my way, I've realised how much time I spend worrying: feeling anxious, about the boys.If you asked me to list my emotions for the boys I'd hardly put 'anxiety' first on the list! Love, pride, care... surely these come first?

But if I measure the amount of time I spend 'feeling' those things like love and pride (in as much as you can measure anything like that!) I am rather troubled to find that I probably spend more time on anxiety than I do on love and pride.

This is disturbing, because if I try to show love and confidence, but am underneath feeling anxiety, that's going to come out, isn't it?

I know that anxiety can be seen as an expression of my love, but I'm pretty sure it's not the best way of showing it!

Now, I have some pretty good reasons for concern, so I'm not feeling anxious out of nowhere. You can skip the list of woes if you don't know me and want to get to the point!

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Son 1's bad knee turns out to be caused by a very mild version of a bone disorder that causes lumps and spikes to grow at the ends of the long bones. He hardly has this at a disfiguring level, but may still need an operation(s?) to remove the lumps that are making it dangerous for him to do sport or even run around with his dog. If you add this to his dyspraxia, trichotillomania (very well-controlled now), eye-appointments and underachievement at school due to handwriting difficulties and stress, then you will realise that he and I have spent quite a lot of the last months going from one appointment to another, sometimes hearing difficult news. I fear I am turning into the kind of mum who exaggerates or imagines problems for her child, instead of just accepting that he is who he is! I don't think I am, but some cause for anxiety in his situation...

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Son 2 is pretty hunky-dory at school now that he's redoubled, and has made good friends. Fantastic news! But he gets very tired and irrationally angry at times - no surprise for a 12-year old whose brother is getting lots of attention, but it's taken me, Ben and my dad some serious thinking about to handle it well.

So here they are, my jeunes pousses (which means both growing youngsters and sprouting plants - great metaphor).I know that I am anxious about them, and self-awareness has now shown me that I am anxious far too often and about far too much, to actually be doing them any good. Anxiety can push me to make appointments for poor old Son 1 and get his medical and educational needs seen to, but it can't actually do anything else positive. On the down side, anxiety can rub off on them (a cause for Son 2's anger, even?) and can give them the deep-down understanding that things are out of control.

What is the alternative? I took the book 'The Power of a Praying Parent' off my shelves just before Lent, and decided that I needed to go through it for a month - there's a prayer each night for your children. Despite not being quite 'my kind of book' (American friends, have you noticed how we Brits express things differently to the way you're used to? This book is a bit of a challenge in that way) it's still a fantastic reminder that the real way to help your children is to turn each worry, each anxiety, into a positive prayer rather than a pointless pity-party.
I can't possibly sum it up better than Saint Paul did:

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Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
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Philippians 4:6

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Don't forget to visit Spiritual Sundays as well as the other Pause in Lent posts!

A first Pause in Lent 2011 - Are you listening?

Well, of course you're not listening, you're reading! However, that question is the one I've found helpful so far this Lent. I'll write more about that in a moment, after reminding you that there are now a good number of bloggers joining this weekly Pause in the run-up to Easter, and that you can find their names and visit them via the list to your left on my sidebar. Thank you very much to everyone who is joining in and those of you who are visiting - if you'd like to join, just let me know in your comment on this post.

So, I started this week with very little idea of what I might do during Lent, apart from blogging! I had bought a book, called Oh God, Why? from the Bible Reading Fellowship, but wasn't too sure if it was the right choice - it was pretty much a random selection from their Lent books listed on their website.

Things started coming together last Sunday, when Joanne, my father's minister, preached on the subject: 'Are you listening?'. Following the service, Son 1, my dad, and I pieced together these memories of her sermon points:

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Are you listening at all?

Are you listening enough?

Are you listening selectively?

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We think there was one more point, but we couldn't remember it. Son 2, who was clearly there in body but not necessarily in mind or spirit, didn't contribute to this discussion!

So I think that listening to Joanne set me off on being just a bit more receptive to listening to God, and I certainly needed that. Firstly, a passage that I've been given hundreds of times but never really appreciated came to my attention:

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"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is praiseworthy, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

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Paul wrote this in his letter to the Philippians, chapter 4 verse 23.

I have to be honest - I've always found it a slightly irritating verse before, kind of akin to the songs 'Keep on the Sunny Side' and 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' (which at least is ironic). It just seemed to say: 'don't think about what's real or even about what interests you, just think of sweet pretty pointless nothings'. Whilst I knew in my head that this wasn't what it meant, that was the reaction it created in me.

But when it impinged on my consciousness last week (through a novel Elizabethd loaned me - thank you!) it seemed like I should write it down in my Gratitude Journal, and then that evening, when I came rather depressed and worried to write a list of things to say 'Thank You' for, the real meaning (or A real meaning) of that verse came through loud and clear:

'You are worried that your father is still unwell, but instead look at how he is getting better every day of your visit.'

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'You are anxious about how he will cope when you go, but instead look at the physical and moral strength he shows.'

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''You are dwelling on the practical challenges of your visit, but instead look at how the boys are having a wonderful time, full of new memories, with their grandfather.'
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There was, of course, nothing changed in the situation, but I had been dwelling quite single-mindedly on the things that worried me, and completely ignoring the things that were noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. So for me, this verse became not an exhortation to ignore reality and think of fluffy stuff, but a challenge to see what is good in real life.

Last night my Lent book, Oh God, Why?, had the reading where Moses tells his people to 'Choose life'.

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The author of my book commented: 'The message is being given to us on our journey: "Choose life, not death." It seems an unnecessary piece of advice, for what sane person would choose death?

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He then went on to suggest:

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'It is a very useful exercise to take a piece of paper, divide it into two columns, one headed 'Events which bring me to life', and the other 'Events which deaden me', then scribble down whatever comes to mind. Keep the list, and add to it whenever another item occurs to you. If you persist, the list will lengthen, and you may discover that you give more time and attention to the things which deaden than to those which enliven.'

It seems that things are coming together as I make a rather disjointed attempt to listen. I am pretty sure that as I visit the other Pause in Lent bloggers today and tomorrow, I will learn more!
Why not visit other bloggers who are on a spiritual journey via Spiritual Sundays?

Bread for the journey

In December, or maybe even in early January, I finally read a little phrase which made sense of something important that has been happening in my life. Here's part of the quote: "Many of us will be aware in our own experiences of this food for the journey - the 'viaticum' of Catholic piety. When we needed it most, God fed us. Our 'manna' may have been literally the Eucharist... but it may also have been another's prayer, or a friendly visit, or a word of scripture... Like manna in the desert, it was not to be kept and hoarded: it was food for that day, and that day alone. Food is given to be gratefully consumed, to become part of us. As the modern health slogan says, 'You are what you eat'."

I can't tell you how much that quotation, from Hope in the Wilderness, by David Winter, jumped out at me! It applied so directly to the books I'd been reading, the blogs I'd found, and the support of some of you super bloggers out there. What had been surprising me all year was that many of the most profound things I was learning were coming from non-Christian sources, so how was God speaking to me through them all? That quotation seemed to put it all into context - these books and blogs and blogging contacts have been God's way of feeding me in a difficult year, and also of preparing me for both challenges and blessings which continue to come. Without them (and therefore without you, blogging friends), I don't quite know where I would be, or how my family would be coping. So this year I continue to gratefully consume what God is putting before me, even if the source of some of it isn't what I would have thought of as 'kosher' before this last year! I need to test it as I read, but that is second nature to me. The harder part is not rejecting it simply because it's not what I'm used to.j

Lent is coming - Mardi Gras is on Tuesday 8th March, the day we fly back to France. If you would like to join in A Pause in Lent with me this year, do have a look at this logo on my sidebar, because it includes a link to tell you more. Just leave a comment on this post or any later ones if you'd like to join in!

I nearly forgot - the photo at the top of this post is of Son 1 doing sit-ups in our Coulée Verte - the 'green corridor' provided for recreation in our market town.

Back again!

How lovely to come back from my 'week off' and read your wonderful comments! Thanks for stopping by, on my Spiritual Sunday post or on One World One Heart. I'm going to have to take some time catching up, reading your comments properly and stopping by to visit!So once again I'm linking to Spiritual Sundays, and am trying to put into words some of the things that the last week has taught me. One is that I've always been one to 'put on a good front', to place looking good ahead of actually being good. I'm not beating myself up about this, as it's human nature, but I've been able to spend a week just living well instead of trying to LOOK as though I'm living well. In that spirit, I think I need to take a week off from other people's opinions on a regular basis, as the only opinions that really matter are first God's, then my own, and those I love... I've spent too much of my life worrying about what other people thought of me and have spent the last year learning that good friends can like the real me but that people who want to reform me in their own image aren't good friends. Bloggers - you are good friends! I look forward to spending the next few weeks with you, and then I'll go off again to make sure I'm keeping it real...

Off for a week...

Hello my lovely blogging friends, old and new. I'm just here to sign off for a week, because I'm going to do one of those blogging-free weeks that occasionally seem like a good idea.This one is unexpected - I don't have any sense of things getting on top of me or of excessive blogging (althought with OWOH going on there is always someone to visit!). Instead, I just read in Simple Abundance last night (yes, this is my second year in a row): 'Today, deliberately turn yourself away from the world... Wean yourself away from the opinion of others - however talented, creative and celebrated they may be - as you continue to journey within'.I have spent an odd 12 months, hearing the voice of God more clearly through non-Christian books and blogs than through what you might call the more 'usual channels'. It seems that God needed to get me out of a bit of a rut and surprise me! So, in a sense of obedience, I'm going to spend a week not reading my blog or yours. I don't expect mountain-top experiences, but do imagine that the pile of mending is going to look a whole lot smaller by this time next week! I will still be emailing, so if you and I are in email contact I will be replying to you... Have a wonderful week, my friends.

love

Floss (linking with Spiritual Sundays)